So, the #1 Question: How Am I?
Indeed. How am I? I often answer
this complicated question with a brush off and a quick, “I’m fine.” And maybe
sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly light, I’ll add, “Taking it one day at a
time.”
But if you know me well, I have
trouble looking you in the eye when I answer. The pain of answering it honestly
is too much. My life partner of 30 years is suddenly gone, and my world has
instantly changed without my permission or approval. I now have to make
decisions, and do things, everything, entirely on my own. A once busy,
two-person team has just vanished, and is replaced with a team of one that
doesn’t always feel motivated to get up in the morning--let alone “seize the
day”. And I have to face it EVERY DAY. Every day. I don’t get a vacation from
it, I can’t avoid it, and I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Everything in my
whole life is a constant reminder of it.
So, how am I? Well, I struggle to
get up every day. I struggle to find joy in my day. Sometimes, I cry a lot. I’m
not always laughing and enjoying life, but I try to squeeze it in when I can. I
see life differently now—our time here on this earth can sometimes be cut
incredibly short. So, that means we should not take for granted those around
us. You never know when your last chance, your last minute with them will be. I
still remember my last conversation with Ed. I know he was irritating me, and I
assured him, “I got this Ed, I got it.” And he apologized for worrying about it
unnecessarily. I had no idea that would be our last conversation, but I’m glad
it did not end in an argument.
Right now, the path seems rough, and the hill seems high. But I know it is only temporary, and I just need to keep reminding myself what I told Ed, “I got this…I got it.”
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