So, the #1 Question: How Am I?

Indeed. How am I? I often answer this complicated question with a brush off and a quick, “I’m fine.” And maybe sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly light, I’ll add, “Taking it one day at a time.”

But if you know me well, I have trouble looking you in the eye when I answer. The pain of answering it honestly is too much. My life partner of 30 years is suddenly gone, and my world has instantly changed without my permission or approval. I now have to make decisions, and do things, everything, entirely on my own. A once busy, two-person team has just vanished, and is replaced with a team of one that doesn’t always feel motivated to get up in the morning--let alone “seize the day”. And I have to face it EVERY DAY. Every day. I don’t get a vacation from it, I can’t avoid it, and I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Everything in my whole life is a constant reminder of it.

So, how am I? Well, I struggle to get up every day. I struggle to find joy in my day. Sometimes, I cry a lot. I’m not always laughing and enjoying life, but I try to squeeze it in when I can. I see life differently now—our time here on this earth can sometimes be cut incredibly short. So, that means we should not take for granted those around us. You never know when your last chance, your last minute with them will be. I still remember my last conversation with Ed. I know he was irritating me, and I assured him, “I got this Ed, I got it.” And he apologized for worrying about it unnecessarily. I had no idea that would be our last conversation, but I’m glad it did not end in an argument.
 
Right now, the path seems rough, and the hill seems high. But I know it is only temporary, and I just need to keep reminding myself what I told Ed, “I got this…I got it.”

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