All the things that used to annoy me... I had no idea how much I would later miss them. The biggest one was the way you would talk incessantly as soon as I got home. I didn’t have any time to decompress, think through my day, and think about what I would accomplish for the night. It was a barrage of things on your mind, questions you wanted to ask, and ideas you wanted feedback on. You would talk until, exasperated, I would ask you to just stop talking for a while and give me some quiet time.

I had no idea how soon I would have more quiet than I could possibly imagine. What I wouldn’t give to have those conversations now. How I regret every time I stopped you from talking to me and from asking me questions. How I would love to fill up my days with those conversations…especially those nights when I sit here by myself, wanting nothing more than some conversation. To talk about what my day was like, mistakes I made, things I didn’t get done, and what the rest of my life will look like. Where do I go? What do I do? So much of my life for the last 30 years was joint decisions on what was best for the both of us and for our family. I suddenly went from being a Pastor’s wife, with the plethora of responsibilities (real or imagined) and a “to-do” list a mile long, to facing an empty apartment that needs to have the symbols of my entire life sorted through and boxed up. I face this with the conversationless breadth of minutes haunting me every day. And without the long to-do list and the barrage of people and things I needed to connect, or arrange, or initiate. Now I just sit in the silence and wait for that motivation that will propel me forward with the rest of my life.

It would be easier for me to answer the question, “How was your day?” than to answer, “How are you?” I WANT to tell someone about my day, I do NOT want to think about how I am. That’s just way too hard right now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Personal Profile

Image
Kindergarten, where I learned to comb my own hair!! My name is Kim Taylor, and my email address is kltaylor@bradley.edu  My mother named me “Kim” because she knew someone with a daughter named Kim and she liked it.  I grew up in St. Charles, Michigan.      I am married with two kids.  Both of my parents passed away.  My father at age 33 from pneumonia, and my mother at age 45 from leukemia.  My mother was half Sicilian, her father was born in Sicily.  My grandfather saw my great grandfather shot by "The Family" when he was five.  Our family was always very close, I used to know all of my cousins.  I tried to instill that importance of family to my kids.     My niece recently described me as the kindest, strongest, and happiest person she knows.  I think those are pretty good J   My three most favorite social recreational activities are going to the movies with family or friends, attending band events where my ...
Read more

"Victory Dance" (Not a COM 399 Assignment)

My Victory Dance I was talking with my friend, Francois, about some of the lethargy I was feeling dealing with two recent surgeries and facing the possibility of radioactive iodine treatments for cancer cells in my body.   We talked about maybe having something I can focus on, like maybe something to do once I am to the point where my scan comes back “cancer free”.   Whether it is in the next week or so, or whether it will be months down the road… I needed a “Victory Lap” or “Victory Dance”. You know, that “Victory Lap” the winning racecar drives around the track slowly, after he’s won the race.   Or when the football player has successfully outmaneuvered the opposing team to run across that white line for a touchdown, and then performs his own, unique “Victory Dance.” I decided this was a good idea, and I spent a couple of days mulling over possibilities.   I could do something daring, like jump out of an airplane, or take a hot air balloon ride, climbing a mountai...
Read more

One of the worst days of my life

Image
  I woke up and realized what day it was—the third anniversary of Ed’s passing. It was easy to tear up and be sad. However, it did not take long for me to remember all the amazing things people did that day. I had been immediately surrounded by friends who were incredible—and I want so badly to name them one by one. But the day was so traumatic, I know I would forget someone—and how can I do that?? It was one of the worst days of my life. Three years later, I remember how awesome everyone was to me. There were so many people who came alongside me that day, taking me home, taking me to the hospital, packing up Ed’s stuff, contacting people, and most importantly—sitting beside me. And my incredible kids who dropped everything to be there with me. The whole week people brought food, helped with the arrangements, housed my family, picked up people from the airport, and sent me texts, cards, phone calls, just an overwhelming outpouring of love and support. So many people who helped with...
Read more