Help in Time of Loss
When someone passes, friends and family
struggle to know what to do to show they care and how to reach out. I wanted to
mention a few things that helped me when I lost my husband, Ed, in the hope
that it might help someone, anyone, be there when they know someone struggling
with a loss.
The first thing I want to mention is the
meals. Especially the food that was brought over the week of his passing
leading into the funeral. I had so many people in and out, and family staying,
it was a big relief to not worry about food.
And one person brought sandwich fixings--bread,
deli meats, condiments, it was great for allowing people at my apartment to fix
a sandwich if they were hungry. Priceless.
Someone arranged a meal sign up platform,
like TakeThemaMeal.com or Meal Train. I don’t remember which, but it was
wonderful to have the meals arranged after the funeral. It helped with a
physical need that I did not have the ability to verbalize, but definitely had
the need.
People delivering meals provided a variety
of benefits: It allowed me to not spend any energy on meal planning or grocery
shopping. And in my extreme and sudden loneliness, I knew that someone would be
dropping off a meal for me at a specific time. Which meant for one part of my
lonely day, I knew someone would be coming over.
Which meant that for at least one part of
every day, I would need to get out of bed. I would need to try and make myself
presentable. And that for one part of each day, I was not alone.
The people who brought me food were in
tune with me enough that they could tell whether I needed company and they
would stay; or whether I was exhausted and needed to sleep. I was grateful for
those who provided me with meals for several weeks after.
From my own experience, here are a few
tips if you are wanting to take someone a meal:
Think about how many people there
are, including any kids. If you can, find out if there are any allergies to
something you will need to avoid. The sandwich fixings were a wonderful thing
to have on hand.
Sign up for a specific day and time. It
helped me knowing when something was arriving. If not on a platform, text or
message to let someone know it’s coming. I would limit calls, sometimes talking
with people, especially after the funeral, was just mentally exhausting.
Send meals in a disposable container, or
one that you do not need back. The less the widow(er) and family needs to worry
about returning dishes, the better.
Sometimes it helps to freeze meals.
Sometimes leftovers can get backed up, and a meal frozen can be saved for
another day.
If you are doing a meal sign up platform,
occasionally leave a day once in a while for eating leftovers, or eating out.
In fact, sometimes a gift card for a restaurant that delivers food is a welcome
change.
Having meals delivered helped me not only
to eat, but for my guilt in leaving my dog, Rocky. With my husband gone, I felt
guilty for leaving Rocky and guilty for all the things I didn’t get done when I
left the apartment.
I read a blog about “Grief Groceries1”,
and I thought that was a good idea, if you knew the person well enough to
purchase groceries for them.
Other helpful suggestions for helping the
recently widowed:
Sometimes helping after the funeral once
everybody leaves is extremely important. There is nothing like facing an empty
apartment after all the busyness of the funeral is over, and all the family and
friends have returned to their normal lives.
It helped me tremendously for those who
came and helped me sort through things and pack! That allowed me to
visit with people, while still working on my overwhelming task of sorting and
packing.
And yes, some people are probably thinking
that I did not ask for help. And you would be correct. I really could not
verbalize that need, and I am grateful to those who figured it out and came to
my aid.
My suggestion to others is to watch for
hints in what the grieving person does or says, as to what they might need help
with. They might not even realize it until you show up to help!
Another suggestion is to be there
afterward. As I mentioned, it is the time when everyone leaves and you are left
alone that is almost as difficult as the first week. Try and reach out later,
by call or text, or drop a card in the mail.
I loved getting mail, and after Ed passed
it always warmed my heart to know that someone was thinking about me and took
the time to send me a card. Yes, I would read it and cry, but it was a small
moment out of my day where I allowed myself to just swim in the emotions of the
memories.
And be especially aware during those “first” moments without the loved one. The first birthday
without him, the first anniversary without him, the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, and the first anniversary of his passing. These are all extremely difficult for those left behind.
For me, it was good to hear from people,
to talk about Ed and to remember him during those times. He was a large part of
my life for a very long time, and I appreciated those who reached out to me
during those difficult milestones without him.
These are just a few of the things that I really
appreciated with the loss of my husband. Some people might appreciate different
things, or the same things. I do not think it is a “one size fits all” kind of situation.
And there were many things done for me, large and small, that I appreciated as
well. Some I may not remember, and some that just did not stick out as much as
the things I listed here.
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